Mikalo Times

All projects are made equal... Some more equal than others... And talking pigs...

I think throughout this entire process I've learned only 1 thing. And that is that not all the freshmen orientation projects have been given equal importance, or at least in the minds of the people. I think what irritates me the most is that it's generally true. When I hear of seniors dissing other projects, it just makes my heart sink. FOP is about the freshmen, and what they want to do. You shouldn't go around telling people that some projects are a waste of time.

I speak for at least myself. The reason why we go for camp, O-week, DnD and all that is because we want to see it succeed. And we know that it needs all the support that it can get. Careless words can totally ruin the entire experience, and make it such that the entire project is a total waste of time. I might hold rag in high esteem, but it is no more important than the other projects. Each project has a special and unique function, and all work together to create a memorable experience - one that you can only experience once in your university life. Why would you deny a freshman that? Were you denied yourself?

I cannot change the perception of the masses, so I have to change my own. And I tend to agree, rag is not that important. Call me jaded, but it's not important. And very few things will change that. Not a shield, not even a clean sweep would change people's minds about rag. I think camp is extremely important, and O-Week is something of a must. DnD is very fun, but rag... It's hard work, takes a lot of time and effort, makes you lose money, time, life and friends, and doesn't have any reward... Why do it in the first place?

I hold on to my rewards from rag... That is the friends I make. Never let go...

Holy crap. I still remember the password. I remember I used to write with a style... All forgotten now. Many things have happened since.

I'm sure if you are reading this, you would either know me personally, or have been left behind in the annals of time. So I won't have to show you what has transpired since a year and a half ago, I think it has been that long.

I always thought it was deep, until the kitty thing...

Ladies and gentlemen, I have just entered the Twilight Zone.

I took a two week break from PeepShow and everything has apparently changed, though I'm not inclined to believe it... Anyway, weird day... Not that I don't like the changes, but whoa... I need a panadol.

Twilight zone...

I always bother my brother on his emoness when he write a blog. But here I am... Hypocrasy, thy name is me...

Anyway, just surprised of the wonders of the internet, like no one ever thought of it before. Keeping updated with the Mumbai attacks. I wonder what it might have been... Wish these terrorist attacks would stop... I'm even more surprised that I remembered my password for this blog.

Half way across the world, your story could be heard.

I guess some people have it and some people don't...
What is professionalism anyway. I know there's a dictionary definition but it... well look for yourself... Professionalism is exhibited by one of the "professional character, spirit or methods" or the "standing, practice, or methods of a professional as distinguished from an amateur." Well, I think amateur is the word. I don't really want to look like an amateur on stage. But somehow, I still do, like as if I don't know what I'm doing. I'd like to think I am, but still it's hard to keep up when you're performing - I mean you're tired and exhausted but you still gotta talk sense to the audience and not just ramble on about rubbish and cut other people off... I think I'm still guilty of that...
There's this other article saying that professionalism is fake, hence useless and unwanted... I don't really agree... Some parts of it might be fake, but it's required. It's like a social etiquette. If you want to be taken seriously and don't have the natural ability to be so, then put on an act, just for a while so that you can get the job that you want, or get people to notice how damn good you really are. Not to practice for months and months to end up at the same place... SHIT! I'm trying to get it to be more natural. Well, I think I see it differently from others... Especially people who don't think it's worth snot...
Natural... HAHAHA... I swore never to use that word... Nothing is really natural if you have to train yourself to be "natural" at it... I'm the leader of this band, and if I can't get everyone to aim for a certain goal, then I guess I've failed...

I miss my girlfriend so much that I've forgotten how it feels to lie next to her. Oh and if you didn't know, it's quite a sucky feeling...

It's interesting how proud people are when it comes to their inner strength. Not showing any weakness even to the ones who are closest to them.
Sometimes when you ask people if they're going to be alright, the natural response is always yes. Seldom do people say no. They only say no if they really want the attention. My guess is that people are always looking at the final outcome. Cos in the end, everyone will be ok. Well, actually everyone will be faced with death, but in the end you always tell yourself it's ok. No matter how bad the situation is, and you are still able to walk away unharmed then I guess you're OK.
The problem is time. Are we able to come to terms with what has happenned before we die? Is it ever possible not to show any emotion even when we are holding back a thousand tears? It's always up to the individual. Everyone has their own cracking point, or some sensitive issue that will trigger them, or just their own expectations of themselves and others. It's difficult to know how to feel around people we aren't already comfortable with. And even those times it's difficult to be honest.
At the end of the day, we look into ourselves and ask if we're going to be ok. Is tomorrow a day to look forward to? And even then we say yes. Only when we are honest to ourselves, the answer is no.

Talking in bed ought to be easiest,
Lying together there goes back so far,
An emblem of two people being honest.
Yet more and more time passes silently.
Outside, the wind’s incomplete unrest
Builds and disperses clouds in the sky,
And dark towns heap up on the horizon.
None of this cares for us. Nothing shows why
At this unique distance from isolation
It becomes still more difficult to find
Words at once true and kind,
Or not untrue and not unkind.

- Philip Larkin (“Talking In Bed”)

I'm not a hero. And if heroes fall, I fall harder.
Sucky results just telling me that I should quit... Quit and study harder. Much, much, much harder. I'll need to spend the next 2 sememsters trying to bring my CAP up... And try not to be a hero...

I'm not doing this to get famous... That's why the posts are so irregular... I'm back... I think...

Just had the most wonderful gig of my life. PeepShow rocks all out. Man, I love being in a band. But I made a lot of mistakes.
Been sleepy the whole day. Got to meet a close friend (which made me much happier) but now got to go back to studying... Haiz, studying sucks...

Get out of my life... Get the fuck out of my life...
Already, I open up to you and all I get in return is my heart shattering into a million pieces. On top of that, some new guy comes and tramples all over it... Still got some more... Some crazy ex-boyfriend is calling me threatening me... And now when I'm already back on my feet, here you come to kick my in the heels and make me fall again... Seriously, this is getting tiring. I'm glad older women aren't like that...
I don't know what I did to deserve this shit, and even if I do I'll take it. Really, falling for you is truly misfortune... Of course, she would react differently to someone that she actually cared about... Well done lah... Good night...

I Miss You by Incubus

To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same, as I do, is a Three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line, If I said
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on, the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days, but already I am wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know, that I care
And I miss you

I think this is a nice song. But it's not for her...

Prankster tried calling again but i was fast asleep and turned my phone to silent. didn't hear him, and I think that's as much attention as he deserves...
But I tell you one thing - it was a good reminder that she isn't worth it. I found out it really was her ex-boyfriend, and even though he denies it, he probably did it the other few times. Or even if it's not him, probably his friends or whatever you might call them. The thing is, she didn't even want to believe me the whole time. I had to freaking pull out hard evidence to nail him. Ok, that might sound like an unreasonable statement. But she didn't even want to help me out at all. I mean if she even cared at all, she would have at least probed a bit more. Alas, it was too much to ask from someone who don't give a damn about you. And I don't think she even wants to give a damn now that I've proven that I'm not a crazy person. Who knows, that ex of hers might just be crazy enough to actually get off his lazy ass and find me. Cos if he doesn't I sure as hell gonna find him... ;] At least make it worth my while for screwing up my relationship the first time.
He did do me a favour though. Who knows how long she had this new boyfriend of hers waiting? I might just have been an experiment so that she'll know what to do with the new one. Or maybe the scape goat to divert all the attention from the new guy. Whatever it is I won't know cos she won't say, so don't blame me for making very good deductable assumptions on this... Bottom line is that I was never in her heart, and well, not really my loss. She did kiss well; other than that I'm starting to forget why I even liked her and why I'm hating her so much recently. Out of sight, out of mind I guess. Just that irritating ex disturbing me.
If you're reading this, you ex you, I'll find you one day... I'm enjoying life now, so I would really appreciate you not calling anymore... It's not like you're my ex-boyfriend... Go call your ex; that should prove entertaining for you...

I made a good realisation today. It might be a little selfish of me but I can't study alone, especially for this period. Everytime I am alone I tend to drift of and start thinking about her... Damn.
I hope you all bear with me for this period of time. It's a huge favour but I need your help. And I will do anything in your service to help you back when you need it. Thank you in advance for sticking around guys. And thank you especially for giving me reason to forget about what you did. I don't know if you actually meant anything you said or did but right now I cannot let myself care for now. You always had someone waiting in the wings. Just wasn't me that's all... Well, too bad for me I guess...
However, don't for once think that I would never help her. I swear I will help in anyway I can. I would have been a better friend than lover...
Thanks again.

Rehab is going slow and this... addiction... I have for Eevon is starting to wear off, I'm hoping that it's true but it's starting to feel that way. Thank God, then at least I can get on with my life and stop bitching about how I was 'backstabbed'.
I tend to only think about her when she appears... Hate it. Maybe I'll just disappear for a while. That should be the better for the both of us. I mean, if I am disturbing their relationship, I wouldn't anymore (but I doubt that...). The other would do me more good. Sometimes, I think I gotta take care of myself more than I do others. Even my family. They take care of me so much and I'm still like this.
My friend told me about his sad story which made mine seem insignificant. I'm glad he told me that. It took him 4 months to recover and see someone else, and I, who was never attached to her in the first place, am taking so damn long to realise that she's not worth my time. I didn't want to believe them in the beginning but the only way for me to move on is to hate myself for not taking good advice.
I know this won't be the last entry on that little girl but I'm gonna try not to think about her anymore. The more I do, the more I'm sabotaging myself.

I cannot give up... If I do, I'm going to suffer...
I had another bad dream about her. She was in trouble and I went to rescue her. What's wrong with me? Hell, I can't escape even when I'm asleep. Get the hell out of my head. Damn lah... Damn...
My friend once advised me that you should never love someone more than that person loves you. I tried, but just as well, I failed... Something went wrong along the way.

Kitty is bored
Kitty is lonely.
Kitty finds some toys to play with.
She finds a ball of yarn.
"Will you play with me, ball of yarn?" said kitty.
The ball of yarn was so happy to play with kitty.
Then, Kitty started to scratch and part of the ball started to unravel.
The ball of yarn hapilly accepted and thought kitty was still playing.
Kitty played some more until there was almost no yarn laft.
The ball of yarn was torn to pieces. It was all over the floor, crying.
"Why did it come to this?" asked the ball of yarn.
Kitty did not reply in kind.
"Why did it come to this?" asked the ball of yarn.
Kitty didn't like the way the ball of yarn was acting.
"Why did it come to this?" asked the ball of yarn.
Kitty gave an excuse for why she's not playing with this ball of yarn anymore.
The ball of yarn said sorry for what it did.
Kitty didn't give the ball of yarn a second chance.
Kitty didn't even say sorry.
She went to find a new ball of yarn.
Kitty finds a brand new ball or yarn.

A good friend of mine gave me a really good summary of what happened to me in the last few months and tells me it's ok to feel like this. I disagree a little but yeah, he was right. He said:
You finally get to know someone and like them. You give yourself the balls to approach them and surprisingly they reply in kind. You get close and you get intimate and you think maybe this one is special; someone you can protect and can protect yourself. So you try to shelter her, give her your support no matter what and think that a relationship is possible. You make one mistake and that is unforgivable. Then in the end, she tells you she doesn't love you and gets a new boyfriend. Gone fuck.
And I gave him a star at that point for having such good summary skills. But it gave me perspective I think. Being able to see why I'm so damn pissed off right now made me feel a little better. It was slightly hazy and I thought there were so many things wrong with myself that I needed to fix. Thanks, bro. It's amazing how you can not be in a loving relationship and still think you fucked it up. Congrats, MiK...

For all those people who were in my situation before, or suffering from it right now, or for those who gave up one or more good relationships because of a single person, this one's for you.

I've always put myself down. And this time isn't any different.
I wasn't the chosen one, and if I were I'd be questioning if I would have wanted to be with her due to such circumstances. I mean, it was a lot of bad timing on my part. First was when the boyfriend was still pestering her when I asked. REJECTED! Next was when she was with the ex and I told her to decide. REJECTED! (You'd think I would have learned by now) And the third time when the new guy came along... I think I just died right there. I always have this perfect image of her. That no matter how many things I hate about her, I'd always find that one more thing that would make me like her even more. I'm trying to match that million and one things I love about her... And maybe find more... That's not a very nice way, but I've got to get over someone who doesn't even give a damn about me when it matters... I don't know how many times I've mentioned this in earlier posts but damn I feel betrayed somewhat... She might want to argue that but you know... Right now, it sure sounds, looks and fucking feels like it.
And the worse part of it, I just might not learn from it... Fuck you, MiK!!!

In trying so hard to do so much, I've probably pushed her into the arms of another man... I've actually executed one of the options I had thought of from the beginning, and that is to stay the hell away from her.
Sadly, that is one of the most effective cures for oneitis. It worked for Calista, and I'm hoping that it works here. Thing is I've got to stop thinking about her. I just have to convince myself that I've been found lacking of certain traits that women generally want in their man. Oh well... I'll try to find upgrades then... And most importantly, I don't know if I can make another person happier than they already are. Let alone someone of the opposite sex... And there they go... Haiz... I'm dying inside...
But why should I? It's not like I would be with her in the end. I've been played I guess. No hard feelings right? She probably never liked me at all, let alone feel love. It looks like she likes him more than he appreciates her... Oh well. Who am I to say... I might just treat her the same way... Whoa, this is all rubbishy talk... I was just the rebound guy... Kena played nicely... Good game. I'll see you next season...
I'M SO GOD DAMN SICK OF BEING ALONE... So sick of being played by women... Sick of trying to fall in love and open myself just to get myself brutally hurt. I'm sick. I've got a disease...
I always said the good guys never get the girl. Maybe they do. It's just that I've been too stuck up and thinking that I'm the good guy. I'm the bad guy, DUH!!! &^$%@ THIS!!!

On the brighter side, her having a NEW boyfriend will help me stay away from her. I mean, how much more would this guy know her than I have... Probably a lot more... How much better does he kiss... Full-lipped bastard... And probably isn't as pushy as I am... Sexual selection at it's best... And I have lost... Sorry Darwin, Nordeau, Galton... I've let you guys down...
I AM crazy... And I AM mad... And I dunno why...

I don't mean to bitch about it. It's just a thought. Something that could anger me quite a bit... I've just been punk'd. And this is me self destructing...
You don't have to know when someone has punk'd you. You just feel it. ARGH! Except this time Ashton Kutcher isn't going to pop out from behind the wall and say it. Obviously! And it hits you in the face like a wrecking ball. I'm just another fool. Fooled into thinking that I can kiss well... Or probably anything else... It was just a case of incredibly girl who can't make up her mind meets lonely guy. And in the end, I was just being set up or at least it bloody feels that way. And don't try telling me it's not like that. Cos even if it ain't, it sure as hell feels like it. So saying sorry for what I've said earlier makes me feel even more stupid. Like I wanted to believe that it wasn't true, that you weren't just listening to lies and stupidly believing them...
What's wrong with me? Too emotional? Oh well... That's what people actually have to put up with? No wonder I'm still alone... Hahaha... Haiz...
I probably will never take anything out of her mouth seriously again... I won't be fooled again... You've just been punk'd, Mik...

I'm so sick of being alone...
That's what I'm always thinking of. And somehow, what's happened recently or what's going to happen soon is not going to make things easier. Neither will it make it bearable. I just gotta keep reminding myself that there's something to look forward to, but I don't know what yet. I've been trying to keep myself busy, so that even if I didn't want to, it would seem like I was trying to avoid being around her. It's weird to talk to people who generally don't talk to you back. But I'm supposed to make the first move. Just talk to her and see if there's any response. If there is then it's ok. If there isn't I should count myself lucky. Then I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time with probably the right people but I just want to end my sentence one conjunction short...
Right place, right time, right person. Yah right. I don't consider myself lucky but if that were the truth I'd be really happy right now. Like when my driving privilleges were stripped from me when I was late bringing the car home. Or the time I was summoned for parking in a red zone. Sometimes I wish it were that easy. If it always felt so right... When I saw that picture, it just killed me right there. And made me feel so empty. Oh well...
All those couples in a relationship right now. Sometimes, they don't even realise how lucky they are. And for those that think that they don't want to get into a relationship right now... I've got nothing else to say...

Somehow, I wish that things would be different. Or that I was different somehow.
But how much I want her to love me back, I know that won't really happen. I'll drop it someday. I'll hope but I won't expect anything. I can't if not I'll just be kidding myself. It was nice while it lasted, even if it didn't even begin. I want to remember everything even if it makes me feel empty. And thus, I have just become a friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I think that's the most I could wish for. So much for plans and dreams.
Recently, I've been fixatec on trying to get this bugger off my case. I'm really hoping he knows where I stay. It might sound like I'm looking for trouble but it'll save the trouble of trying to find him. But if, however, I might get waylaid and hurt or killed, but I don't think anyone would give a damn.
I pray that I can be your friend. Maybe one day. For real.

This did not end well. I wished it would not end. If all this pain and hurt were necessary to be with you, I would gladly endure it. But surely all the pain that I had caused you along the way would make you change your mind about being with me.
I was stupid and a fool. But they say only fools rush in. And I did, only to get myself into trouble in the end, and I hurt so many people along the way. It was not my intention to do such an act but it seems that I am more than capable of making the life of the ones I loved more and more miserable. Is it love that has made me feel this way?
I believe that it is something innate, something inherent in me that can do such a monstrous act. That is why I have to say sorry. Sorry to everyone that I've hurt along the way. I could say sorry a million times, and I don't expect to be forgiven. I never want it to end, but here I am trying to say goodbye to something I believed was special. I hope you love me too, but that's too much for an asshole like me to ask for. I won't even ask you to forgive me.
I love you, and I probably always will. Everytime you talk to me, everytime I see you... Everytime someone else mentions your name I will cry inside. Right now I can only be your friend and I will try my best to do that. If I can't you will never hear from me again. Because that is the only thing I can do now that will make you happy. I'm really glad I met you. And yet again I'm sorry for everything that I put you through.
I'm on my knees praying that you'll be with me but I know you won't. I'm so sorry.

I just woke up in the middle of the night when I received some anonymous call from whom I believe is Eevon's ex-boyfriend. He told me to 'Watch out mother fucker' or something to that effect; can't really remember that clearly... C'mon cut me some slack alright, it's 4 in the morning and some mother fucker just woke me up in the middle of my sleep... I'm bound to forget something...
For some girl that I almost barely know... I mean I do love her and all... Just that now I'm not sure if she loves me back. Like after she broke up with her boyfriend, it's like she just disregards my feelings and acts as if nothing has ever happened. I thought it was a joke at first but now it's really killing me. I dunno if I'm crazy and just imagining things, but it seems she's trying to distance herself from me. Haiz... And now her boyfriend gives me a call in the middle of the night (I think it's her boyfriend, never seen his face but if it looks like what he sounds, it might be reason enough for Eevon to up and go...) just tells me that she really wants me to stay away... I don't understand why she's acting like this but it's driving me up the wall... It might be one of her ways to just forget about me... Out of sight out of mind... But that's just paranoia talking... I won't judge her...
I have nothing to say but I love you... It's been said too much that's why I'd rather show it, but with you not around, it makes it hard for me I guess... I'll just sit around and wait... Don't really know what's attracting me to you but it's doing a heck of a job. Now if we could only harness that and apply it consumer products...
I have to be patient. I had the courage to show my tenderness... But looks like I might get hurt in the end...

Regretting is something that I would rather not do at the moment. I dunno if it shows weakness or vulnerability, or just that it's an excuse for things happening and you can bitch about it. Whatever it is, I can't help but regret sometimes, now more than ever.
Sometimes you think you're doing the right thing, and even if you know that you know it's the wrong thing when you think it's the right thing, you do it anyway. Why? I've done something horrible and it's led to a series of events that have left me thinking... Thinking about what I do that makes me hurt other people. I was never like this. And I never want to see people hurt... Especially not girls... Somehow, I'm a horrible selfish bastard. Only concerned with myself and how I look and how people think about me. I'm just that horrible a person.
And I don't know how it turned out this way, it just did. I broke a girls heart and I swear I will never do it again. And even when I've done that, I kinda feel some regret even though I might always say that you should do things and never regret... It goes against my principal principles... Never to regret. Now, slowly, I'm starting to because I have just made a series of errors that I can't take back.
Now she wants me to throw away the one special thing I've found in such a long time... Where's that rubbish bin? ... Ok gone. Dumb #%^& you, Mikail Lo. Only know how to trust your heart and not bloody think it through. If that's what it takes to be happy, then throw away my paper heart into an inferno so that it'll burn.
Sometimes, you're the dumbest dick in the whole world...

Now I'm unsure. You know, if that boyfriend of hers was not in the way, things would be much smoother, and easier. And I of all people would have made up my mind already. But now I'm facing another problem.
I'm not sure if it's misplaced feelings or something, but I want to resolve this issue and have my peace with it. No more beating about the bush, no more enduring cold nights... I might sound a little extreme here, but it's either me or him. And I hope I'll be fine either way. I either want to stay very far away from her right now, or be as close to her as possible. And the upsetting thing is I don't really care if the boyfriend is there or not...
This sucks, really...

I think I just went ahead and disregarded how she felt... I don't feel exceptionally bad about it... But I'm not really much in the mood to let her affect me too much.
I asked her why she's not my girlfriend... And guess what, she couldn't answer it. It's not like I hadn't expected that. I think if she did answer it, it would mean that I mean absolutely nothing, and that I can just not give a damn about her and how she feels towards me. So I told her that understanding that would mean she would understand how I feel about her. It's stupid really.
It's not like it was my intention to fall in love. Or to think that I fell in love... Whichever. It's not like it was first on my to-do list. It just happened. And now for some strange reason, I can't seem to say no to this... addiction... I mean, i can understand if you don't like me or anything. But now the feeling's mutual but still we can't be totally together. I wouldn't mind a friend. Somehow I wish my feelings were more dull... More subtle... Then it would make forgetting how I truly feel easier.
Like as if I want life to be easy...

Ysterday I had the most spectacular dream ever. Like I mean ever. And I don't think I'll ever be having this kind of dream again for a very long time.
I was kissed. That's right, I was kissed, by a girl of course. And it was her of all people. And it's not like I tried to initiate it, she kissed me (first time in history, probably be the last time too... ;[ ). It was the kind of kiss you would see in movies. The one's where she's thinking "Get over here you big buffoon and just kiss me" and the guys that receives it has his eyes wide open for the first part of it, and then enjoy... And she was good, unimaginably good. I've never had such a passionate kiss, ever... (I think...)
I was really happy. You know the type of happy you can't really describe. You think to yourself that it's bliss, cos you love her and she likes you back. And you know with that kind of kiss, the one's that seal letters, confirms contracts and all that, that this might be the one. But sadly, the picture's not always perfect. In fact, it never is... It's how we imagine it is. We want it so much to be the perfect scenario but in the end, we can settle for much less...
Someone told me tonight to be the oak tree in the storm; to be strong in times of such emotional adversity. I cry tears inside and out trying to figure out tonight. 2 free drinks, great dancing, 1 parking summons and one hell of a deep loving lushful kiss. There you go, sums up the night real nice and tight...
Next time, I go with the PAP...

Fantastic... I just watched two... I repeat... Two medical dramas back to back and I tell you what, it don't surprise me one bit about the type of songs that they play and the type of themes that they play with.
Love is universal, always. No matter who you are, what age you're at or who you interact with, love is truly a universal theme. Whether it be family or life partners, brothers and sisters or close friends, it doesn't really matter, cos love teaches us something that we rarely understand... Advice that we seldom listen to... But at the end of it all, we can look back with a smile and a tear. Even in the worst times, we still feel happy when we think about someone we really love, and at the same time we feel sad if we're not with them... Total paradox, that's how love can be described.
Watching Grey's Anatomy was so forboding. I knew they'd use that Chasing Cars song in a medical drama or at least the MTV would be about a guy getting into an accident and his loved ones being so darn upset about it (or at least that's how I envisioned it... Maybe I'll make my own MTV for that song). And the end is something that's really horrible. I dunno but I just feel this way, and it's not because I've had my share of emotional trauma. It's just cause it feels that way, that's all.
I wish everything was like it was on TV, simple and thought out already. Just one person's point of view. Life's hard... Love's hard... But you know what. Nothing worth having is easy at all. But when I think of what I want, it's kinda hard to fight for. I want her in my arms but that's not gonna happen anytime soon I think. And it's not like I got nothing else to worry about.
Alas, all things said, I guess... No, I AM going to keep fighting. For what I want, need... For everything that I believe in and for those I love. It's now up to time, fate and myself to make things happen for myself... Times like these don't happen often enough. I've got motivation...